the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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