This dress was meant to end up on your floor
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
