Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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