I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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