Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
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