my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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