So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
