My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
