How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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