i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
