i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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