apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
