i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Randomize
