I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Randomize
