I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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