I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
