New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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