As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I think my moral compass just broke
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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