I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
