I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
