In the future we'll all be gay
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Randomize
