I am puke
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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