I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
