I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
