I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
