i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
