went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
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