I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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