Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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