our cab driver is having phone sex.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
