I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
