did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
