I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
