I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
