I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
