Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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