Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Randomize
