I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
40s are totally the cure
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
