I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
