Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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