I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
