I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Randomize
