so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
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