He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
