I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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