Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
