i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
