I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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