he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Are these your boobs on my camera?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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