you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
