So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Mom said you looked used
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
